Casos
From: Jack in Utah
To: All
My son recently strangled himself trying to make a Halloween haunted house in our garage. I'm not all that sure that I can talk about this here, so don't be surprised if I disappear. I'm having a hard time typing. I look at the screen and see my son dying. No one knows exactly what happened, but my brain has made up a scene that keeps flashing into my mind.
I had never let myself realize just how much I loved him, and now he's gone. I never ever would have thought that this could hurt so much, or that I would miss him so badly. My wife and I have been seeing a therapist and from what she says, after almost three weeks, we may still be operating in shock and this could get worse before it gets better.
I'd like some insight into this shock business: how do you know if you *are* in shock, how do you know if it's wearing off, and what does it feel like when it does wear off?
We've been told to take it easy and let this go at it's own pace, but I can't help wondering if there isn't something I can do to speed up the process?
Any help would be much appreciated.
Dear Jack,
There're no words to express the sympathy we all feel - for you, for your wife, and for everyone who shared in the loss of your son. I've been there too - several years ago, I lost my dear sister to murder. For awhile, I didn't think I could go on. Here are the four most important things I learned from my own experience of healing:
1. Don't drink or use drugs - and I mean not at all. (I'm not talking about medicines prescribed by a doctor.) Remember that alcohol is a depressant - something you don't need even one drink of right now.
2. Continue with your therapist, even though your sessions are painful. If she suggests an antidepressant medication, you should seriously consider it. If you have other children, be sure they get help too.
3. If you're involved in a church or other faith community, see if they have a grief support group. And if your tradition includes healing prayer or services for the dead, use them to help heal your grief.
4. Above all, make a pact with your wife to be extra kind to each other. Never, never blame each other for your son's death. For the next few months, your relationship will be under the worst imaginable stress. Sometimes people are so desperate to stop the pain that they'll do anything - even divorce. But even that doesn't stop it. It just adds more problems. So be kind to each other. You've both lost so much.
Wish I had the magic words.
P.S. There's a wonderful support group called Compassionate Friends for parents who've lost a child. To find the nearest chapter, call (708) 990-0010.
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Subj: Cyberspace Love and Other Strangers
From: Linda A. Kerwin
I live in Atlanta, but I'm currently here in Cincinnati, caring for my mother, who has inoperable cancer. I arrived here several months ago and have yet to go home.
The day I arrived, the cancer ruptured through my mother's intestines and out the abdominal wall. A few days later, it ruptured again. The doctors gave her less than a week to live. But here it is months later and, happily, she's still hanging in there. I've been her primary caregiver 24 hours a day.
I arrived with four days worth of clothes. After the first month, a friend brought me my car , my dog, and my computer. Luckily, I'd just joined CompuServe a few weeks before.
Once I had my computer, I began doing my own online research. I first posted on MedSig (Medical Special Interest Group), then on the Cancer Forum. During the early and most confusing days, I received the most helpful responses from physicians, most of them oncologists, on MedSig.
Responses from the Cancer Forum didn't start to kick in till later. (I'd recommend posting frantic `Help!' type messages on both Forums for the quickest and most helpful responses.) I've also been participating a lot on the Cancer Support and Gyn.Onc. sections and also the Hospice section.
I can't tell you what it meant to have help, advice, support and encouragement available literally overnight. These people are wonderful to give so freely of their time and knowledge. And much of the advice I've received online is more complete and more useful than what I get face-to-face from our attending physician. More than once, the kindness of strangers has brought tears to my eyes.
I use e-mail to stay in touch with my friends back home too - I keep everyone up to date by preparing one main letter and customizing copies for everyone. I've more than once referred to the network as my "lifeline." When people say they don't know how I keep going, I tell them I actually have plenty of friends and a lot of support - I'm referring to my friends on CompuServe. I know I can log on whenever I need to, so I don't feel so alone.
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Me dirijo hacia ustedes por que necesito orientacion respecto a mi hijo, de cuatro anos, quien fue sacado del pais sin mi consentimiento hacia Alemania. Me preocupa la injusticia hacia padres como yo, que desean formar parte del desarrollo emocional de su hijo, y que la Ley permita que este crezca
alejado de mi por caprichos de su madre.
La Honorable Jueza Magalie Hosta Modesti dicto sentencia a favor de la madre, puesto que esta "tiene derecho de rehacer su vida". Senores, yo cumplo con la parte economica, de pension y plan medico... Pero creen que una mujer
que se ha vuelto involucrada en tres matrimonios en menos de tres anos esta capacitada mentalmente para criar a ese nino? Estuvieron en el estado de Virginia por un espacio de un ano, y ahora saltan a Alemania. Como puedo saber de mi hijo? Llamando via telefono, e invirtiendo miles de dolares en boletos aereos!!! Y la Honorable respondio a todo esto que "eso pasa cuando se divorcia la gente". Entiendo que cuando dos seres se separan, los hijos sufren esto. Pero si existe la alternativa de yo continuar relacionandome con mi hijo, por que lo hacen tan complicado?
Si se establecio que la Patria Potestad era compartida, como es que mi palabra no sirve de nada en cuanto a las decisiones acerca de mi hijo? Pero la
pension SI tiene que seguirse enviando, estando ella en la Luna, por que si no, voy preso. Y entonces ella prefiere que le de el dinero sin tramitarlo por Asume,
pero nunca cancelo la cuenta con la misma. La Corte me dirige hacia la oficina mas cercana con la evidencia de TODOS los pagos hechos, y no los quieren aceptar si no es con orden del Tribunal, y el Tribunal dice que no necesita radicar ninguna orden.
La madre dice que ella envio una carta al Tribunal, pero nada aparece.
Necesito su ayuda, por favor.
Estimado Padre:
Se me ocurren varias cosas. Las recominedo de todo corazon--vivo en NYC
y hace un ano y medio una jueza en NY permitio a mi ex mudarse a
PR--porque ella era la que "ganaba mas". Teniamos entonces la patria
potestad compartida y ella la custodia fisica. Aca fuimos al tribunal de
apelaciones. 5 jueces despues de estudiarlo todo revocaron el permiso de
ella mudarse con mi hija (que ahora tiene 6) el 1ro de junio del 2000.
Ahora mismo mi hija fue traida de vuelta a NY y yo tengo la custodia y la
patria potestad yo solo y la madre--que cambia de casa y empleo como si
fuera de ropa--se tiene que mudar a NYC y la ordenaron a que pagara todos
los gastos mios legales. Fue una ano y medio sumamente dificil--yo iba
un fin de semana si y otro no a PR pero me envolvi en las actividades de
la escuela, llamaba a menudo, le explicaba a todo el mundo la situacion,
yo llevaba la nena a jugar con sus amigos--la que quedaba mal era la
madre. Por cierto como "premio de consolacion" la jueza de NYC ordeno
que yo podia usar la pension alimentaria para sufragar los gastos de
viajes. Aun asi te puedo recomendar lo siguiente:
Nunca dejes de intentar mantener el contacto humano con tu hijo--aunque
te devuelvan cartas, faxes, o no te lo pongan al telefono... guarda todo
eso para el dia del re-encuentro... Escribele cartas a tu ex. de que
quieres mantener contacto con tu hijo, para que este todo eso por escrito
que ella te quiere eliminar del la vida del nene, etc.
Exije que los veranos--6 semanas por ejemplo-- y vacaciones largas--sean
tuyas...
Apela esa decision de esa jueza--en el tribunal de apelaciones hay
hombres y son padres...
Escribele a los medios, escribe cartas, hay que levantar consiencia...Los
politicos tambien son padres y saben lo que hay: basta ya de esos
"relocations" que no sirven para nadie. Hay que legislar y cambiar
leyes.
Apoya a las organizaciones como "Padres No Custodios" etc. y arma un
grupo de apoyo para ti de padres que esten en situacion similar...
Consulta a Maggie Bonilla abogada en Carolina. Tiene mucha experiencia
en estos casos.
Saludos, y animo!
Sr. Ortiz,
Siento mucho por lo que esta pasando. Yo ya he tenido
mis problemas con ASUME, porque le estaba enviando el
cheque directo a la madre y luego ASUME vino con un
embargo de salario de casi $20,000 porque yo no estaba
pagando "segun ellos". Despues de mucho trabajo,
esfuerzo, dinero y abogados, pude probar que habia
hecho los pagos. Ahora todo lo hago via cheque
certificado, y solo envio la mensualidad a
ASUME...alla ellos disponen. Le recomiendo que no le
envie dinero a su ex-esposa directamente, porque le
puede pasar lo mismo que a mi.
